it’s a strange feeling when the world is at your fingertips, and all you can be is afraid.
i am going to a fantastic school in a city i love, with family and friends at close call. i will be challenged, motivated, and inspired, given a chance to engage in the city of Baltimore, and placed in a track for a top-notch career. i’ll be around intellectual people where my interests and passion won’t be seen as strange, but rather accepted as part of a eclectic, smart, and diverse group of humans. in theory, i’m going to my dream school.
so why the f*ck am i scared?
luckily for you, the anxious brain enjoys picking the brain for these kinds of thoughts, so some answers to that question prevail.
i’m not usually one for cliches, but the short and sweet adage “too much of a good thing” has been on the mind lately, particularly in the context of the social atmosphere i’ll be entering.
feeling out of place in high school is, admittedly, something I’ve come to savor. i’ve spent the last four years unabashedly embracing my passions and personality, even when they don’t fit my idea of the social norm. my intentions were good, but they led me down a narcisstic path. feeling like i was somehow different from my peers made me feel like a special little snowflake, and i liked the attention of wielding an intellect and passion that i viewed as beyond the norm.
but where i’m headed, being smart and passionate is nothing special. this doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing– passion and intellect is accepted and embraced with open arms, and if anything, expected from your peers. this means that i likely won’t be the odd one out–instead, what’ll be odd about the situation is the fact that i might not like that.
in all aspects, I am fearing change. what if I decide I no longer love the environment? will I like being in a city? will I lose my love for learning because I care too much about grades? will people like me? will I like myself?
truthfully, I don’t know. but at this point, I must embrace fear and move forward.
I am going to a place I love, and I am afraid.
but change is good–
at least, that’s what they say.